2 June 2010 , originally uploaded by academichic.Sources:
- Black dress – Banana Republic
Cord as belt – was my mom’s from twenty or so years ago
Gold clutch – Banana Republic
Gold sandals – Antonio Melani
Pashmina – shop in Romania
Coral earrings – gift from dad
Endnotes:
This past weekend, T. and I attended a friend’s wedding here in Romania. It was in a beautiful spot in the mountains and the whole affair was pretty elegant and formal. The last time I posted my friend’s wedding-guest attire, many readers chimed in with concern at wearing black (or white) to a wedding. While I respect that different cultures have different customs, those comments came as a surprise to me. And neither my mom (this being a Romanian wedding, I thought I’d ask her first) nor others I have since asked about this ‘taboo’ had ever thought anything of wearing black to a wedding. In fact, at this particular black-tie event, the maid of honor wore a beautiful ankle-length black gown, which looked stunning next to the long white dress of the bride.
Thus consulted, I decided that my little black dress of the more formal variety would be just the thing for this event. I love the rushed semi-circle neckline and how it ends just above the knee. I gave it a bit of shape by belting it (otherwise it’s just too loose and shapeless), and added gold and red accessories to complete the look. Gold sandals, a gold clutch, and a pashmina in warm red and orange colors with gold thread woven throughout give the black dress a bit of a ‘warmer’ look.
Details, originally uploaded by academichic.The wedding was wonderful and T. and I had a great time. In true Romanian fashion, there were over 250 guests present and the party lasted until the early morning hours. Among those many attendants, women could be seen wearing all sorts of dresses in all sorts of colors. Including many black, some off-white lace, and plenty of colorful numbers. But not one could hold a candle to the bride, who looked absolutely stunning. (And I would argue that not even the guests wearing the off-white dresses ever stood the chance of being confused for the attendant of honor – the bride.)
I would love to hear more of you chime in on this topic – do you feel strongly about certain colors being ‘taboo’ for a wedding or for a certain type of celebration? Alternately, how were those impressions formed? Where did you learn of those ‘taboos’? S.
You look lovely in black! I find that black is a foolproof color for semi-formal to formal weddings, especially those held in the evening.
My horribly embarrassing tale of wedding-wear blunder: Years ago, before I married my husband, I attended his sister’s wedding IN A WHITE DRESS. I knew it was taboo, but the dress I had packed to wear was stained beyond wearability the night before. My only spare? a white sundress. Had I foreseen the glares I would endure that day, I would have worn the stained dress instead. And proudly. After that wedding, I learned my lesson. Thankfully, my now sister-in-law is incredibly gracious, but I still cringe when I see myself in those family photos.
- Anne-Marie
The black dress at a wedding taboo is outdated now. I just celebrated my 7th anniversary this past weekend and at our wedding the bridesmaids wore black dresses – which looked wonderful with their pink peonie bouquets.
You look gorgeous, S!
I have to admit that I abide the no black/white rules for weddings, even though I know they’re antiquated. It’s my inner Old Lady coming out, I guess.
You look lovely.
I had a number of people wear all-black to my backyard wedding. When you look at photos of them congregated around the buffet table it looks like a wake. My great-grand aunt wore a black pantsuit with a white jacket, and took off the jacket. It looked morbid, especially with her black jewelry.
Your wrap, your touches of gold, your youth all serve to make the look much more festive.
I have no issue with black at a wedding, which if you check out my wedding photos you’ll see. It was a black and white wedding! My bridesmaids all wore black cocktail dresses. I think it’s beautifully elegant. (I’m guessing the no black at weddings came from not wanting to appear like you were unhappy with the match? Like you were mourning the loss of the individuals. I guess if someone (particularly a mother of the bride or groom) comes in all black with a face/head covering, then maybe that is taboo, but I doubt that happens very often). Of course, black might not be appropriate for a very casual or outdoor wedding- but I don’t think it’s out of line for weddings in general.
White however… I really don’t think that’s ok. The whole point is for ONE woman to be in white. I also don’t think it’s ok to show up in a very revealing or show-stopping outfit. Again- all attention should be on the bride.
I wore a knee-length sleeveless purple dress for my own wedding, and I’m not a big worrier about taboos re black and white. Having said that… I would never ever wear a white or mostly white dress to a wedding, ever. I would wear a black patterned dress, and I have worn a solid black dress with bright shawl to an evening wedding.
I think you have to know the couple in question: if it’s a conservative or old-fashioned family, avoid both.
My understanding is that this has been a traditional American custom–black dresses are a bad omen at weddings as they are too similar to what one wears at a funeral. White dresses are taboo because the bride traditionally wears white. I think these rules are out of vogue now but used to be very commonly understood.
My sense is similar to Eva’s — that there is a tradition of morbidity linked to black. I think this is largely outdated now that “mourning” is less formalized and doesn’t require people to wear black long-term as an external marker of their loss and as a method of shaming them out of participating in “inappropriately” celebratory behaviors (think Scarlett O’Hara dancing with Rhett while in mourning for her husband).
Solid white/ivory are linked to the bride — and here I think there’s a more persisting taboo (as per Emily Post). It’s not that you’ll be mistaken for the bride. It’s more like knowing what a friend plans to wear to a party (here, her own) and then doing the same thing. Originally it may have been a Victorian issue; the white dress emerged as a show of wealth (look, I can dress my daughter in an expensive dress that could easily get ruined!) that separated her out.
Begun, the great interent education has.
The only color that I will not wear to a wedding is pure, unadorned white. A white dress with colored (or black) pattern is fine, as is all black. I’ll usually add colored or gold accessories to the black, though. I do try to think about what the bride and groom (and maybe their families) would think, since some people care very much about that kind of thing.
A note on the morbidity thing: in Chinese culture (and likely many others), white is the color of mourning, not black. (The traditional chinese wedding dress is red, which is why at a lot of chinese-american weddings, the bride will change into a traditional red dress for the reception). I am Chinese-American, and not very traditional at all, but I will probably choose an ivory or cream dream when I get married rather than a pure white one, both because I feel that it is a more flattering color and also out of respect for my relatives.
I follow the old rules, passed down by mother, and never wear black (or white!) to a wedding. However, I do see how it can be appropriate for a formal, evening wedding. Personally, I’d rather wear something fun and festive to celebrate the day. There are few opporunities to dress up in a cocktail dress, so I’d save the black one for a work party and break out the coral or aqua or lilac, etc. for a summer wedding!
Pretty dress on a pretty girl!
Weddings are funny that way, aren’t they? My mom won’t let me wear black to any Japanese wedding, including those of my friends who are pretty much Americanized. I tend to stay away from white/cream. But at Indian and Chinese weddings, you can’t wear red since that’s the bride colors. Thankfully those brides told me about it beforehand!
I think black for a wedding – formal or casual – is perfectly fine.
In fact, I’ve been a bridesmaid and worn black.
The black dresses were chosen by the bride!
Black is classic and looks good against tuxedos.
I’m American, too, and culturally I think it’s an outdated notion that it’s inappropriate to wear black at a wedding.
I am not sure about wearing white. I think that might still be a bit taboo, culturally, at an American wedding.
But I think black is perfectly fine, and lovely!
You look really nice, by the way, in that dress. The cut of the dress if very flattering.
And beautiful scenery! You make me want to visit Romania someday.
“Originally it may have been a Victorian issue; the white dress emerged as a show of wealth (look, I can dress my daughter in an expensive dress that could easily get ruined!) that separated her out.”
Interesting! I always thought a white wedding gown symbolized purity or virginity.
I actually haven’t heard of a taboo against black at a wedding though I think it is a matter of the time of the wedding and the formality that might dictate what I choose to wear (i.e. a black cocktail dress at a beach wedding might be out of sorts). I have worn black to weddings without any ado. And you look stunning in this wedding attire.
I think it is simply impolite to wear white to a wedding if the bride is planning to wear white (or white-ish). As one commenter has already noted, not wearing white is an acknowledgement that the bride should be the only one in white on her wedding day, if that is what she chooses. Most brides wear white, and it is simply good manners to let her be the centre of attention–which she obviously will be anyway–but in pictures, if there is another woman in white, it really shows. There is an assumption about the cry for attention that wearing white to a wedding seems to represent, whether or not this is the case. Why risk it for the sake of your own vanity on a day that is not about you?
I was a bridesmaid at a colleague’s wedding last year and she wore a green dress. Another colleague’s partner expressed concern (in advance) that she was planning on wearing a green dress to the wedding and we all told her partner that we thought it would be inappropriate for her to do so. She wore it anyway and, though there was no way she could eclipse the bride, her choice was noted. And my opinion of her, which is not favourable already, suffers for it.
I wore white to a wedding once…but I was twelve, so my mom said it was okay. But it got commented on, for sure.
The no-no’s I know for wedding are black (mourning), white (trying to one-up the bride), and red (too sexy/too flashy). The way my mother (who is my etiquette guru, being the daughter of a very just-so time and place) explained it to me is that each of these colors is a commentary on the wedding, a negative one–that you’re either objecting to the wedding by wearing black, or trying to one up the bride, or trying to steal her husband. I find this sort of communication through dress fascinating! And entirely alien from my experience of the world. For my mother, though, this is second nature (and, I think, the reason she tsk-tsked when I tried on a wedding dress with red trim–red’s not for weddings!).
I think whether I’d do it again would have to do with the crowd at the wedding: in particular, if they struck me as the sort where all of these mores would be known, I’d avoid it. But if it struck me as a wedding where these understandings wouldn’t be common, I’d be more relaxed about it.
I love that scarf!
The white dress fashion came about as a result of Queen Victoria’s wedding, and even later than that (through the 1940s) brides often wore their nicest dress or a special outfit purchased for the wedding. If the bride wasn’t wearing white and a guest was, then the guest was being showier than the bride was. (In other words, it would be like wearing a cocktail dress to a beach wedding when everyone else is wearing shorts/sundresses.)
Not wearing black at a wedding does come from not wanting to show disapproval and from the complicated Victorian mourning customs.
I have to admit that I also adhere to the no pure black/white to a wedding taboo also. My mom told me once, before I think I even ever attended a wedding, and I stored it away and now I feel very strongly about it. I also privately thought that bright red wouldn’t be a great color either and I’m glad to see that someone else agrees with me!
I also adhere to the no black, white or red (same reason as Emily – too sexy/flashy) rule at weddings. Personally I try to go for something floral or abstract.
Now, I honestly don’t judge if people wear those colors – folks did to my wedding. (though I only know it from the pictures… was not thinking about that!) But, it is ingrained in me not to wear those colors to a wedding.
I wonder if geography affects this at all? FWIW, I am in Florida.
Thanks for adding all your comments, it’s always great to hear so many opinions and especially how different cultures approach the same event with different customs and symbolism.
I would agree with the overarching comment from most of you that the couple in question and the context plays a huge role when deciding how to dress.
S
I have an ivory cocktail dress with bold black lace detail on the skirt, and a wide black sash. I’ve worn this dress to two weddings; one in Indiana on a summer afternoon, with a short-sleeved black cotton cardigan (this was a casual wedding and the bride was not wearing white), and the other in Seattle on an autumn evening, with a 3/4 sleeve black cashmere cardigan (a very formal wedding and the bride was wearing white). It’s a strapless dress, which are not particularly flattering on me, hence the cardigans. I did worry about it, but I put it on for my mom, and she said she thought it was perfectly fine. And indeed I received no glares or any other sense that my choice had been inappropriate either time.
Honestly, this dress is too formal to wear to many other occasions. And really, don’t we all have better things to do than judge somebody for what they wear to someone else’s wedding? Shouldn’t we be focused on the happy occasion instead? A dress that is obviously styled like a wedding dress is of course inappropriate (like Kelly Kapoor wore to Phyllis’ wedding on The Office!) but in all but the most conservative of settings, it seems silly to fret that much over the color of one’s dress.
(And as far as I’m concerned, these days black is always appropriate at a formal occasion. Most funerals I go to these days aren’t exactly a sea of black anyway.)
I got married 18 years ago (almost to the day) and my bridesmaids wore black dresses with white lace trim, so even 18 years ago the no black at a wedding taboo was disappearing. I have also worn black to weddings, and felt comfortable doing so. I think the cut and style of the dress are as important as the color in determining appropriateness for the occasion. Your dress is perfect for a wedding!
Stunning!! If I were the bride I’d be jealous ;-P
In my corner of the world, outside North America, black is okay for guests and nobody bats an eys, but not for those who will be on the sides of the altar with the bride and the groom, ie, their mothers and… something we have here similar to bridesmaids. But dark colors are “allowed”, dark navy, charcoal.. red, pink, orange…
The only real thing is the white. White is a big no no no. It is the worst faux pas you can do here in a wedding, one that will get you some stares and “didn’t she know better?” looks. In our culture white – and off white and light pearl – are a bride’s exclusive, it is her day and no one else should wear the same color.
Ops, forgot to say, you look wonderful!
First- you look lovely!! That dress is stunning on you!
Now- for the business of taboo colors and weddings- I too have long heard of the three color no-no’s – black, white and red. The only one that I would never, ever wear to a wedding (as a guest of course) is white. That is just hands off to me – as it is bridal and thus a no-no….the others are modern and much like the “no white after Labor Day rule” I don’t adhere the no black or red rule!
Hi S!
Here in Spain, it depends on the bride’s whishes. I’ve attended two weddings in black, one combined with silver, the other with copper and I felt great. Howhever, I have also friends who have specially requested to avoid the black color.
Anyway, you look stunning!
First of all: You look lovely!
Where I live, in Sweden, white or all black is definitely a huge no-no at a wedding.
White : you are trying to upstage the bride
All black: you object to the marriage and therefore dress as if you were in mourning.
I do think though that black in combination with other colors is OK these days.
Red used to be a no-no for the “too sexy = trying to steal the husband” reason. But that seems to have vanished.
I’ve never heard of the no black rule, just the no white. The no white makes sense, but if it’s an evening wedding, why not wear black?
Lovely wedding look. The pashmina really makes it regal looking.
Obviously this depends a lot on context. In many regions of the South it is still considered bad manners to wear a black dress to a wedding. It would also seem a little out of place to wear a black dress to an outdoor beach wedding, but I think otherwise black is perfectly fine. I know many brides who wouldn’t care at all if someone showed up to their wedding in a white or ivory dress, but I also know many who would be hurt or upset if someone did — or at least their mother, sister, mother-in-law would be. I usually try to avoid wearing the same color that the bridesmaids are just out of respect, as well.
You looked absolutely stunning, S! I’m glad you had a good time at the wedding!
I think you look positively radiant!
I personally would never wear white to a wedding. Maybe if it had a very large/bold pattern to go with it but even then I’d probably not go for it. White, ivory, cream–those are for the bride. (My own dress was an ivory color. It was a more causal affair and my husband wore an ivory shirt and khaki-colored dress slacks. So did his brother. It is hard to tell which is the groom in family pics! :) )
Depending on the type of wedding and probably the time of day, I would wear black but spice it up like you did.
And like La Historiadora de Moda, I try not to wear the same color as the bridesmaids.
I must admit, I tend to avoid black, red and white at a wedding, too. It’s in my head to look elegant and polished, but not too striking, when I dress for a wedding.
That said, I have worn a white trouser suit to a wedding before now – it’s a million miles away from being a bridal dress, but also the bride was a good friend of mine and I made sure I got her permission first.
Nowadays, if you DON’T wear black at a wedding in NYC, people will be surprised.
i almost always wear black to weddings! most of the weddings i have been to have been rather fancy and formal, but for the ones that weren’t as fancy i still wore a black dress with a colorful flower pattern. i wouldn’t do white, though, or whatever color the bride is wearing. fwiw, i have noticed that US east coast people generally tend to dress more formally for weddings (and spend more money on them too!). i grew up in new york and basically you had to buy a new dress for a wedding and give a lot of cash… at least that is what i learned from my parents and their friends!
Aww you two look wonderful.
I’m okay with black but NEVER white.
The black taboo has pretty much disappeared, at least where I’m from (West Coast of the U.S.). In fact, at the evening weddings I’ve been to, the majority of women my age (mid-20s) were wearing black, mostly cocktail-style dresses (I’ve never been to a black-tie wedding, but I think those are quite rare on the West Coast). Wearing a different color certainly makes you stand out! However, the taboo against wearing white is still very much in effect–I would never consider wearing white (or off-white/ivory) to a wedding, although I would wear red to a wedding.
This is so pretty. I love how you used the cord for the belt – very rich looking. I have never thought twice about wearing black to a wedding, but my grandmother was always horrified by that. And though I know that wearing white a wedding is no longer seen as taboo, I just can’t bring myself to do it!
I think you look gorgeous! I’ve worn black to weddings in both the US and England and have seen many other guests wear it as well in both places. I think it is perfectly appropriate, especially for formal or winter weddings. I’ve also been to two weddings where the bridesmaids wore black. It was fun to see all the amazing hats women in England wear to weddings!!!
i think you look gorgeous! as for rules about what to wear…clearly they are made to be broken.
I love this outfit for a wedding, and I think black, white, or any other color is perfectly fine as long as it fits with the formality of the occasion and doesn’t outshine the bride’s dress.
In my area, sometimes a guest might wear black to a wedding to convey that the occassion is one of mourning, that they don’t approve of the groom’s choice of bride or the bride’s choice of groom. I’ve heard people say “I’ll wear black to that wedding” as a way of saying that they don’t think the two should be wed but know it isn’t their place to say so, except through a subtle fashion choice.
I wore black to a male friend’s wedding several years ago and was approached several times throughout the evening by elderly women who asked if I was his ex-girlfriend. Since I don’t want to unconsciously send the message that I think the wedding a bad idea, I’ll never again wear black to a wedding.
You look very pretty indeed…
This is the first I have heard of not wearing blcak to a wedding…? I thought it was the no-fail option… I know about the white rule, but sometimes I think that’s baloney too. Are brides so insecure with someone possibly stealing their spotlight?
I put my bridesmaids in black for my wedding, thus eliminating the headache of choosing colors that would coordinate with the flowers of the season. I thought the effect was elegant and dramatic – it made for a beautiful formal wedding.
You look stunning! What a beautiful place to have a wedding :)
I love reading these artilces because theyre short but informative.
You don’t have to visit that little shop in Romani! Sunrise Pashmina (www.sunrise-pashmina.com) specializes in custom-designed shawls for brides and their maids. Our quality is absolutely top-notch, our service is personal and attentive, and our prices are very low because you are buying directly from the weavers in Kathmandu, Nepal. Prices are low, too: a fullsize 70% pashmina/30% silk shawl is $95; full-surface embroidery (in your choice of colors) adds only $65. We’ve got fringed beading (dozens of styles), jacquard, prints, and ombre (two-tone gradient dye). There’s a bridal discount for orders over $300: 10% off, free shipping, free brocade totes, free silver and stone earrings and earring purse.
You look fabu! Your choice of accessories really keep it from being “taboo” or “outdated at all. The whole black thing bugs me. Basically, I think if it’s formal, black is an easy go to as long as it’s not so prim or somber that you’d wear it to a funeral. Also, my bridesmaids wore black dresses that were a fun contrast to my gown.
White at a wedding is also doable AS LONG as your accessories aren’t in the same color palette as, say, the bouquets and such of the wedding nor is it similar in style to the brides dress. Those are just my thoughts on black and white at weddings.
I guess my own style “conviction” is that I try to shy away from the style or color of outfits that the bridal party will have or that the flowers are in. I accidentally wore a very similar tea length pale pink dress to a garden/semi-formal wedding two years ago and kept getting asked if I was part of the bridal party. Not that great of a situation.
At weddings I do try to err on the side of modest and fun rather than over the top or alluring. I may chose a high neckline with a low back on the dress, paired with a shawl, and I NEVER EVER wear anything shorter than knee length.
Black – for funerals
White – for the bride, only
Red – also considered too flashy, and takes attention from the bride. (My dad says red at a wedding is “gauche.”)
There you have it. There are a zillion other colors from which to choose. I would perhaps break the black or red rule ONLY if it was a black-tie wedding, or if I knew the bride had chosen that color already for attendants, and therefore didn’t care at all about these traditions.
[...] When packing without quite knowing what my itinerary will entail, I like to choose items that can function for multiple occasions or registers and that can be mixed and matched in various ways. That often means neutrals (like this black and white dress) and semi-casual dresses or skirts that can be elevated to a more formal look or dressed down for everyday wear with the use of shoes, jewelry, or the right accessories. If a garment only appears to be useful for a certain type of event or setting and will likely only be worn one way, I tend to not pack it in favor of something that will present me with more options at my destination. Unless, of course, I’m packing for something very specific and unique, like a black-tie wedding. [...]
Gorgeous!!!!!
I’m English and I’ve never heard that red is a taboo colour. Black also seems fine.
My sister married a German man, and all the Germans turned up wearing formal black business suits (men and women). they were obviously really shocked by the English wearing colourful floral dresses, as they consider a wedding a formal occasion, to which formal clothes should be worn. They really did all look as though they were at a funeral.
In France it seems to be similar. My French boyfriend was horrified when I wanted to wear a bright pink dress to a friend’s wedding (in England). He said ‘why are you dressed as a clown? you’re going to a wedding, not a carnival!’ Of course we then had a huge row. In France I think they usually wear business suits or very formal dresses to a wedding. We compromised in the end and I got a floral silk dress, but a very expensive one that was suitably classy.
He really can’t understand the idea of ‘fun’ or ‘festive’ clothes. I don’t think he’ll ever understand the concept, as ‘fun’ clothes are so far removed from everything the French think is important in fashion: ‘chic’, sexy’ ‘grown-up’ ‘classic’ and ‘appropriate’.
[...] after I brought up the discussion on wedding guest attire during my last wedding-related post, so many readers chimed in with emphatic protests to wearing [...]
That black dress looks great, and I love the stylish white rope as a belt, that is a great idea!
[...] is to dress up a cotton dress.” S. debated the taboo against certain colors and decided on a black dress for one wedding and a pink dress for another summer wedding last year. E. too opted for a bright hue for a Labor [...]