Although I’m sure many a maven would strongly disagree with me, I believe that fashion is, to some extent, about fitting in. Yes, we choose our clothes, are drawn to items that reflect our personal taste or that flatter our bodies, and express our personalities through what we wear. But although we flex our creativity through our choices, we still dress within the bounds of social acceptability. We don’t wear tiaras to the grocery store, we don’t wear pajamas to the office, we don’t wear bathing suits to school. We may choose clothing that attracts attention and generates interest, but we want that attention and interest to be positive. We want acceptance. We dress – whether we’ll admit it or not – to fit in.
This can be taken to extremes in certain social, geographical, and career circles. E wrote recently about struggling with her style identity during her visit back home to Hawaii, where the local style is far more laid-back than the one she has cultivated during her years on the mainland. Super Kawaii Mama has written about the astonishing pressure to be a “yummy mummy” within certain social circles in Australia. My readers told me in no uncertain terms that the “sexy secretary” look is NOT appropriate in most of their workplaces and that far more conservative garb is required.
Yummy Mummy, originally uploaded by Philip Campbell.And many have said – both here at Academichic and on my blog – that the world of academia generally frowns upon stylish dressing and respects frumpy comfort. There’s the innocuous undercurrent of societal expectation that prevents us from dressing like clowns and fairy princesses every day, and then there’s the slightly more oppressive social pressure to look like your peers for the sake of THEIR emotional comfort. So how do we keep from getting pigeonholed? How can we walk the fine line between reliance on our clothing to create a cushion of acceptance between ourselves and the observing public, and wearing ONLY what our social, geographical, and career circles deem acceptable?
• Amass pieces and tools that contribute to your preferred look, but deploy them in small enough amounts that it feels like your little secret. Wear one or two signature pieces at a time instead of going whole-hog. That way, you’ll feel connected to your personal style without calling loads of attention to yourself.
• Learn to deflect biting comments by laughing with the commenter. ”Hahaha, I know! Isn’t this WILD?” Turn that initial discomfort into camaraderie. Yes, you may feel like you’re painting yourself as the Lunatic Fashion Maven for a while, but eventually people will warm up to your style and see it as a natural extension of your personality.
• Talk to a select few people about why dressing this way is important, so that you have some supporters amongst the dissenters. Strength in numbers, you know.
• Dress down Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and dress up Tuesday and Thursday. Gradually get your environment used to what appears to be an experiment until the time is ripe for full transition.
• Try not to care as much what other think. I know, easier said than done. But can you stomach the occasional sidelong glance or barely-concealed snicker if it means you get to dress exactly how you want every single day? Is it more important to be comfortable and accepted, or express yourself through dress? Neither option is better, my friends, and your tolerance for scorn may vary from day to day. But bear in mind that no one in this wide world can tell you what to wear. And barring indecent exposure, dress code violation, or extreme discomfort, you CAN wear whatever you want whenever you want. For an ongoing source of dress-for-yourself inspiration, visit Audi over at Fashion for Nerds.
she dyed her hair some more… – _MG_0708, originally uploaded by sean dreilinger.Many view behaviors done to “fit in” as horrible cop-outs, travesties of existential proportions that mar one’s very identity. At least, that’s what my college friends used to preach. But the older I get, the more I realize there’s nothing dirty or shameful about wanting to fit in. Humans are social creatures, and we need one another. We need reassurance and validation and acceptance, and that goes for everything from life philosophies to grooming habits.
But there are times when the need to fit in eclipses one’s ability to express personality and taste. That can get downright depressing and build vast reservoirs of resentment. Acceptance only goes so far when you have to go against your personal grain to secure it. So if you feel like you’ve been browbeaten into dressing a certain way, or are being prevented from dressing as you truly wish to, see if a gradual changeover could ease you into a happy medium. Take baby steps toward presenting the version of yourself that’s trapped inside and clamoring to get out, and see if you can’t bust out of that confining little pigeonhole.
I’m glad Sal wrote on this topic. I follow her blog daily and I’m new to this blog.
I work in a lab and am made to feel that I can never look pretty. I don’t always do things that would ruin my clothes and those are the days that I would like to dress like myself. When I do, I am always asked “why are you all dressed up?” Of course I don’t think I’m “all dressed up” I’m just not in ratty jeans and a t-shirt. I learned to ignore the comments and now they don’t occur as often.
Such an interesting topic!
The past few weeks I’ve been thinking about what effects our style/fashion has in our social context. I’ve started to really believe in the old phrase “you dress for the job you want”. And I’m not just referring to dress codes and “suiting up” for an interview.
I’m an aspiring artist but for the longest time I feel like I’ve been drawn into other things, other arenas so to speak. Like all the opportunities that arise in my life (ok, not all but most of them, and the ones that has something to do with a career) – have something completly different in mind for me.
So I opened up my closet and started analyze my clothes – but this time not according to what colors suit me or what shapes that will flatter my wide tighs and small breasts. I started to think – “If I wear this – how am I percieved?”. And to go further “If I wear this, what goals and aspirations do people think I have?”.
And I think “people”, who see me sitting in coffee shops, working or shopping, don’t really perceive me to be “an aspiring singer/songwriter”. I know my boss thinks that I have a style that would work for sales, bringing in the bacon and starting up new partnerships for our organization (a non-profit). That means a lot of meetings with big companys – read: suits. Corporate.
So I love your advice, dear Sal, because I feel like I need to be brave and daring with clothes – I need to show that there is a stage diva somewhere underneath my cute cardigans, tailored jackets and comfy boots. I need to take it to the next level, maybe not while in a boardmeeting but at least while I’m out and about.
And if someone has a problem with it (there will always be someone), I’ll have the perfect comeback: ”Hahaha, I know! Isn’t this WILD?”
Great post, Sal. Thanks to the Academichic gals for inviting Sal to post.
I’m an academic librarian, and I don’t see so much that dressing up is frowned upon at universities. As long as the outfit isn’t too crazy (leave that for the students), I think women admire other women who dress up and look their best. I think we’re sometimes envious of the talent in dressing and shopping skills.
I just started a new job, and I’ve been dressing up–business casual rather than just casual–every day, rather than occasionally, and it’s made life so much easier. I’ve been shopping sales and Target and such, so my clothes aren’t the highest quality, but it’s working for me as I establish my personal style.
I agree with many of Sal’s excellent tips for walking that fine line between social pressures and personal style choices — although the stereotypical flexible schedule of an academic means that a Monday through Friday schedule is not necessarily a workable option for professorial types. I also have to say that different professions and different fields and gendered issues, as well as different regions/countries and demographies, play a large role in the social perceptions of dress. In my opinion, getting dressed and the accompanying self-society tension is a different story in the South than it is in the Midwest, for example. Likewise getting dressed in a large city has different issues than doing so in a small town.
DAndra: Right on. I know a lot of folks have such a hard time with comments that they end up changing how they dress to avoid them. I’m glad to hear you’ve kept at it, and your coworkers have accepted your style as part of your identity.
Lina: I LOVE IT! Trinny and Susannah can drive me a bit batso, but one of their books has a title that is one of my stylistic mottoes: What You Wear Can Change Your Life. I think it’s awesome that you’re thiking “artist” whenever you open that closet now.
daisy: Fascinating! I’ve heard from so many in so many different academic settings that “dressing up” can gain a woman lots of negative attention. But I’m delighted that your environment affords you more flexibility and that you’re having fun with a new business casual look.
La Historiadora de Moda: All great points. There’s always more to it than a general advice-y post can cover, due to things like gender, geography, culture, etc.
Sweet Sal…nice you’re taking your show on the road! All of it is well-said. Love the A.C. girls too!
I’m in academia (instructor/professor/whatever) and I do push the envelope a bit… but I’m okay with that. I’m okay with giving people a little something to talk about. I like to be interesting. I do dress for myself but I certainly understand there are times I have to be a bit more conservative. That’s okay too. But I usually work in a little bit of “flair.”
Great writing…as usual! :)
@Dandra – when I first ‘transitioned’ from wearing jeans and tshirts and running shoes almost daily, I would also get the “why are you all dressed up?” question. As it became more and more usual for me to show up to class wearing skirts and dresses, people stopped asking that. I think it’s not necessarily that people aren’t responding well to a certain look, it’s maybe just that they’re commenting because they’re not used to it. I now often will hear, “oh you looked tired” or “rough day?” when I wear a sweatshirt and jeans because *this* is now more of a departure from my daily wear.
Keep on ignoring those comments that are counter productive to you looking how *you* want to be looking and keep rocking your own style!
S
Yahoo! Humans are social beings and an Audi namecheck! Sal, you can do no wrong. Great post!
Great post Sal! Can’t remember if I blogged about the day i wore a yellow, navy and white patterned trapeze dress, backwards, to work. Oh, that day I got the looks. (What, I was experimenting?) I deflected them by telling a couple of shocked co-workers that my husband had referred to my outfit that morning as “Project Runway meets Cirque du Soleil”. Nothing like making people aware that you know they think you’re nuts and that’s ok.
Reader of Sal’s blog hopping over. When I was in school, I opted for sloppy, sporting more of a “real genius” attitude toward dressing thinking someone would see how awesome I was. It didn’t really work out for me. I had a fellow student who dressed up starting junior year (sporting business casual) and it was received a lot better than I thought it would be. Going on senior year, emulated her a bit and found that I got more attention (positive) from professors. A big trick was finding comfortable non-sneaker shoes. I find a lot of outfits can be upscaled with good shoes.
Then once I started working (as an engineer in manufacturing, meaning that some days I crawl on the floor), I was feeling the pinch between dressing to suit my floor crawling and dressing up to make myself feel more professional (dressing for the job I want) when friend suggested I consider my work outfits a uniform. Now I categorize my clothes into date/party, adventure, work uniform. I put my personality into the uniform, but I don’t let it overwhelm the uniform. And I don’t force my work clothes to be date or party clothes – I do make sure to have opportunities to break out of uniform. But for some reason, I find it easier to dress up without going crazy when I think of my clothes as a work uniform, and I wish I’d thought of it back when I was in school. I find the constraint allows me to experiment within different scopes for each type of clothes.
Sal, thanks so much for this insightful guest post. This has been a major struggle to me as a relatively young adult entering the administrative/human resources business environment. First there was the struggle of figuring out what my “business casual identity” was, then it was a matter of figuring out how I could bring more personalization to what I wore at work. The nice thing about my work environment is that it *does* allow for flexibility – I can wear jeans to work most days if I want – but at the same time, my preferences are viewed as more “dressy” and less conservative/more urban than most of my coworkers’ clothes. I know I’m dressing appropriately, but I do want to walk a balance between “fitting in” with the workplace culture and letting my own personality and preferences shine. It’s a tricky balance and I’m still in the process of figuring out how I can make it work.
I have so much to say! First, thank you for visiting my blog and for your lovely comment!
I really enjoyed this post, and catching up on all of your previous posts. The styles presented here are so well balanced…sophisticated, yet with a definite edge! I am so glad to have found your blog. As a professional (and previous PhD candidate myself….I shamefully stopped not long after obtaining my masters as my husband is working on his PhD, and one at a time is about all a marriage can sustain!!) I really appreciate and enjoy seeing such terrific style brought into academia! Sorry for that ridiculous run-on sentence!!
Fantastic blog!! :)
@Cranky Otter – such an interesting comment! Especially since I often find that we of the style blogs try to become very de-compartmentalized with our wardrobe and to wear something that is ‘us’ all the time. I myself get into that mentality that I should be able to wear all of my wardrobe all the time bc it’s after all a reflection of me. But I think there may be something to the compartmentalizing approach. It may in the end allow you for much greater freedom when you’re not at work or in a similar environment and you may end up having a lot more fun with that you wear once you get home and shed that uniform. (Whereas I tended to dress pretty safe because I’d wear what I thought was campus appropriate on the weekends and in the evenings as well).
S
Sally, what an excellent piece!
Finally, a balanced voice in the wilderness of militant self-expression vs. extreme pressure to fit in. You can do both, you can have both, both desires are valid and vialbe and even combinable (word?).
You are a new, fresh, voice, and I say: Sally for President!
I love this!
Most of the workplaces I’ve been in have been very casual, and many days I’ll be the only person not wearing jeans. For the most part, no one really seems to scorn me for it; they’ve just accepted the fact that I like to get dressed up more. It’s actually inspired some of my co-workers to get dressed up for work too.
The problem is we internalize the societal pressures and then have to unravel what is really “us” from what is a societal norm that we have taken in. That can take a lot of work.
I think I dress up more than I really want to because my mother did it and she taught me to dress in a formal way, which I think worked for her (she is 76) but doesn’t work as well in our more casual society. I also try to look “corporate” at work but I think I go overboard – out of a sense of being “appropriate” or something like that. I have been trying very hard to dress the way I feel is me every day, not the way I feel I should be dressing to – fill in the blank.
Every time I find myself not wearing something because I think it’s not appropriate I try to figure out if that’s really me talking or someone else’s voice in my head.
Definitely agree. I also think people want to “fit in” differently. Woman A and Woman B could both wear slacks and a cardigan to their work as accountants and fit in just fine with the culture there. So Woman A is fine doing just that. But what if Woman B wants to fit in with an artsier, funkier crowd? Then she might dress a little wackier than Woman A. She might not fit in better in the office (which is where she is going with her outfits) with her leggings and purple wedges, but she fits in where she wants to, in the artsy crowd (or at least tries to communicate to her coworkers that she does).
This is a really fantastic post, and timely! I’m trying to revamp how I approach dressing, and being a grad student in physical sciences means I’m sort of on my own for this. I’m surrounded mostly by men, and personal style is not really on the collective radar. I started at a new school last fall, and I’ve noticed that there’s a few women in my department who have fabulous style, and it’s heartening to have company :) It’s still very much a work in progress, but you’ve got some great points here that I’m taking to heart. “I know, isn’t it wild?” is filed for future reference!
Great post Sal, and thanks for the nod! I think people often limit themselves when they decide what fits in and what doesn’t. Your friends, neighbors, and coworkers will adapt to all sorts of looks if they’re exposed to them enough; I’m sure the sight of the first mini skirt caused more than one person to need medical attention, and yet how long did it take before minis were the norm? In order for style to evolve, at least a few people have to be willing to test the waters, and even the boldest of pioneers will find that they do fit in somewhere.
Eliza: You sweetie! Thanks for your heartfelt praise!
Jen: So very true. Whenever I hear someone say, “Just dress for yourself,” a little voice inside pipes up that says, “How on EARTH can I tell which parts are myself and which parts are influenced by outside forces?” In the end, it’s a bit of a guessing game. But doing what feels right and good is the best place to start, I suppose.
great post from one of my all time favorite bloggers!
Great post Sal!! You are an inspiration for so many people :)
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